Kasey Screws Up the World Read online

  “My husband’s a jerk.” I crossed my arms. “I want a divorce.”

  He set the tray down and walked away. He went behind the beverage counter and returned a second later with a fully loaded tray. “I’m just kidding. I already had this one filled for you. All your faves.”

  He got it mostly right, though it wasn’t hard since he did get one of everything. He even got me an extra donut. Just like I would have done.

  We left a little early for the Newlywed game and selected the third row of the auditorium. I made sure I sat up straight and looked like a trophy wife. Well, just a wife. Finn put his arm around me and constantly turned to give me kisses on the forehead, a showy move we’d planned but I definitely didn’t mind. Lots of couples sauntered in and sat in the first couple of rows. We also saw many families with young kids. At least this wouldn’t be rated R. I wouldn’t know how to answer those questions.

  My arm tensed up, and Finn shook it several times to loosen it. “Don’t be nervous.”

  “I can’t help it.” I scanned the crowd and my face went white. It looked like the entire ship had shown up. “There are so many people here. What if I mess up?”

  “Then everyone will laugh.”

  That was the reaction I wanted, wasn’t it? Unlike in a dance competition when a mess up led to sharp intakes of breath from the crowd and the inability for your sister to look you in the eye afterward. The lead rock in my stomach loosened. Jorge, the cruise director, took the microphone and made his way to the center of the stage. He wore the ship’s trademark white and blue uniform and not a suit like a real game show host. It made me remember this was just a game. This wasn’t real. This didn’t matter.

  “There you guys are.” We turned around to see Lara slipping in next to us. Damn it, why hadn’t anyone claimed that seat? “I was wondering what happened to you this morning but then Hayden said you might be here. He’s back there.” She pointed behind her. I kept my eyes straight ahead and focused on the wood panel of the stage. “Wait, are you wearing my shoes? I’ve been looking all over for those.” She picked up my hand. “And my ring!”

  Finn extended his hand to her—his left hand, the one with the ring on. “Hi, I’m Clark Cruise. I don’t believe we’ve met.”

  She squinted at me. “I don’t understand.”

  “This is my wife, Victoria Cruise. We just eloped right before we got on the ship.”

  “Oh my god. You guys are such dorks.” Her eyes flicked to the chairs on the stage and then back to us. “This, I gotta see.” Lara leaned into me, lowering her voice to a whisper. “Kasey, what do you know about being married? You’ve never even had a boyfriend.”

  I knew she just wanted revenge for pilfering her stuff, but still, a tiny piece of my small confidence shattered.

  Finn wrapped his arm back around me and kissed my forehead. “Yes, she has.”

  As Lara sucked in a breath at the realization that Finn had heard her, I whipped my head left and right, searching to see if anyone else had eavesdropped. Then, my brain caught up to his words. Was he calling himself my boyfriend? For real?

  Maybe he was already in character.

  Jorge finished his speech about the game and shielded the lights with his hand. He swayed side to side as if searching for a boat on the horizon. “Newlyweds! Make yourselves known!”

  One couple in the back stood up and said they were on their honeymoon and got married two weeks ago. The wife was jumping up and down in anticipation of being picked. Guilt riddled my stomach.

  “Anyone been married shorter than that? On this cruise perhaps?”

  I was just about to tell Finn we should abandon the game, that I was too nervous, that I would inevitably fail. But he stood up. “We got married the day before the cruise. Actually, we eloped.”

  “If no one got married on the cruise itself, I think we found our newlyweds!” Jorge waggled his fingers at us.

  My arms glued themselves to the armrest.

  “Come on, honey.” Finn stroked my arms with his fingers. A chill swept over me long enough to distract me so he could pull me to a standing position. My legs wobbled as we walked down the aisle and took our position on the stage. My throat was closing. I’d never be able to answer questions.

  The host turned to us. “Sit tight, kids. You do look like kids. How old are you?”

  “Eighteen,” we both said too fast, too practiced. At least my mouth cooperated.

  “Ah. Like ripe fruit.” He held up our left hands, showcasing our rings. “Now spoiled.”

  The audience stirred uncomfortably. Lara ran back to Hayden. I didn’t want to look in their direction for the rest of the game. Maybe the rest of the trip. I couldn’t believe I had gotten myself into this catastrophe.

  Couples who had been married for twenty-five years and fifty years filled the remaining seats. Judging by the way they had let themselves go, we were the only liars.

  The ship’s staff led the husbands—Finn included—out of the room. No backing out now. The show was all on me.

  Gulp.

  “All right ladies, first question. What is your husband’s favorite comfort food? We’ll start with you, Victoria.” The cruise director walked toward me and held the microphone in front of my face.

  This was easy. I knew the answer from breakfast. The only thing he made a stink about this morning. “Orange juice.” It wasn’t a food, but I guessed Finn would say the same thing. My shoulders loosened. Maybe we could pull this off and impress people.

  The other women answered beer and lasagna.

  “Next question. We’ll start with Nina this time. Ladies, who initiated your first kiss?”

  Ack. Well, I certainly knew the answer; I just didn’t want to admit it. Not in front of an audience. The other two women said their husbands initiated it. When the mic reached me, I hid my eyes with my hand and whispered, “I did.”

  A few people in the first row chuckled at me. I’d just focus on them from now on when I answered questions.

  “Okay, ladies. How did you meet? Victoria, I’m coming to you.”

  Another easy answer. The first night of the cruise.

  I said into the microphone, “We met when F—” Caught myself, almost said Finn. “Clark discovered my sister and me checking out his photograph.”

  “Oh, so was this a family affair?”

  Why was he asking me more questions? He didn’t do that with the other women. “A coincidence, I guess.”

  He spun to the audience. “Final question for the ladies before we bring back the gentleman. What candy bar would your spouse choose to describe his style of making love? Snickers, Zero, Payday, One Hundred Grand bar, or Mounds? I’m starting with you, JoAnne.”

  Oh my god! I thought this was supposed to be PG. Hayden leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head, a smirk on his face. Lara stifled laughter. I was certainly bright red. I had to pick something Finn could guess, and the only possible choice was the second one—Zero. How embarrassing!

  “My husband’s going to kill me,” I said when it was my turn. I took a deep breath. “Zero.”

  The audience whistled and I found myself smiling. No other contestant got as much of a response as I did. The other women had flattered their men. They both selected one hundred grand.

  “You’re quite the comedian. I can see why Clark married you.”

  He held out the microphone to me, and I realized I was supposed to say something. “Well, after my answer to this question, I’m not sure why I married him.”

  The audience whistled and whooped, and my nerves started to dissipate. Lara was right. I could do this. I could be the center of attention with my wit. Maybe I didn’t need dancing to be a star.

  I didn’t have to compete with my sister for the spotlight. We could have different kinds.

  “We’re going to bring your husbands back and ask them the same questions. We’ll then keep track of your points on our technologically advanced score board.” He pointed to stage left and eve
ryone giggled as cruise employee walked on stage holding up a large pad of paper.

  The husbands filed into the auditorium. Hayden tried to get Finn’s attention, but he kept his cool, not even flinching when he passed.

  “Okay, gentleman. First question. What did your wives answer was your favorite comfort food? We’ll start with you, Clark.”

  Finn leaned into the mic. “That’s easy. Powdered donut.” He nodded confidently.

  I cringed. He hadn’t even touched the donut this morning! But I could see why he answered it.

  “I’m sorry Clark. Victoria said ‘Orange Juice.’“

  Finn looked distraught. We should have had this in the bag. Did it count if I blamed my misstep on nerves?

  Both other men answered correctly.

  The host asked the first kiss question next. We were the last to answer, but both couples got the question correct, so there was a lot of pressure on us. Finn answered correctly, and I let out a breath. Still one point behind.

  “Husbands, where did your wives say you two met?”

  Only one other couple got the answer correct. Next, it was Finn’s turn. He hesitated for a moment, but then came back confident. “I can’t go into details. But it involved a very scandalous photograph.”

  “We’ll accept photograph. But just for fun, who did Victoria say was with her at the time?” Finn glanced at me for help. “Clark, answer the question without relying on your wife.”

  “Uh, her sister?”

  “Correct.” The cruise director raised his eyebrows at us. “I’d like to see that scandalous photograph.”

  “Do we get an extra point?” Finn winked at the director.

  “Ha-ha,” The host acted like we were about to get one, making quite a show of a laugh. Then he deadpanned, “No,” and the entire audience burst into hysterics once again.

  Only one couple ahead of us in points now.

  “Last question for the men. Richard, it’s your turn. What candy bar would your spouse choose to describe your style of making love? Snickers, Zero, Payday, 100 Grand, or Mounds?”

  Richard, the fifty-year married guy, starting laughing. “Oh man. She said snickers didn’t she?”

  “Richard, that’s funny, but…” He paused dramatically. “Incorrect. Clark, we need your answer.” Jorge shuffled over to our section and held the microphone out in front of Finn.

  He hid his face in his hands just like I had done. “Zero,” he said in a quiet voice.

  “What’s that, Clark? I’m not sure the audience heard you.”

  “Zero!” he shouted, louder. The entire audience laughed at him. At us.

  I didn’t cower. I beamed.

  “You know your wife had the same reaction when answering this question. See me after the show and I’ll give you some tips.” Jorge turned his back to us and said, “Well, they’re only eighteen, they have plenty of time to practice.”

  I died in my seat.

  Jorge walked over to the pad. “Let’s tally the score for all of you who haven’t been to your eye doctor lately. Tied for last place, we have Clark and Victoria and Steve and Nina with three points. Currently the team to beat is Richard and JoAnne! Ladies, if you’ll follow our lovely scorekeeper outside, we’ll ask the gentleman their questions.”

  I stood up way too fast and kept my head bent as I followed the other ladies down the center aisle. The back of my neck prickled knowing all eyes were on my exit.

  I took giraffe-sized steps when I neared Lara’s shouts of, “Way to go, VICTORIA!” And Hayden snickering with, “Haha, zero!” I wanted to run out of the auditorium and never come back.

  Outside, I leaned against a wall and mentally reran the info Finn and I had practiced, taking deep breaths to keep myself calm. Nina shimmied next to me, combing through her grayish blond hair with her fingers.

  “My! You look so young! Eighteen and married already?”

  “We eloped on my eighteenth birthday.” All part of the story. Though it probably didn’t sound all that believable coming in a rush unprompted like that.

  “And you bought tickets for the cruise so soon?”

  I had to shut her up. “We couldn’t wait.” I patted my belly. “I’m starting to show.”

  The expression on Nina’s face was one of pure horror. Inside, I was dancing. These lies, these fake personas, were coming much more easily now.

  Nina smoothed her skirt and harrumphed as if that explained everything. She joined JoAnne in whispers. It made me even more determined to get the questions right.

  When it was time to return, I followed the funeral procession back to the stage. I was an outcast even between these two ladies, among the girls on the dance team because everyone but Denise acted like I’d only gotten a spot thanks to my sister, and even among my family.

  The only time I felt like I belonged was with Finn.

  “Ladies, welcome back. You know the drill by now. We asked the husbands which one of their habits you would most like to break? Victoria, it’s all you.”

  Luckily, this was one of the ones Finn and I had studied. “He’s always making me wait.”

  “Do you mean he’s always late for things?”

  The answer Finn and I had discussed was waiting, not tardiness. “No… I don’t know, he’s just too patient I guess.”

  “Boy! You two are really on the same page. That’s correct, Victoria.”

  I smiled at the audience. Finn’s face matched my own.

  Only one other couple got the question correct, evening out the scores again. I sat up straighter, no longer needing deep breaths to get me through this.

  “Next question. We asked your husbands, in what month is your mother’s birthday?”

  Wow, these questions were much harder than my round. I decided to go with June since the cruise took place in the middle of the month. None of the people ahead of me answered correctly. The pressure was on. I dug my fists into my thighs.

  “June?” It came out like a question.

  “I’m sorry, but—” Jorge paused for dramatic effect. “You’re now in the lead!”

  Finn whispered, “Smart girl.”

  The corners of my lips quirked upward. I liked when he called me smart almost as much as I liked when he called me pretty.

  “Last question. How did your husband fill in this sentence? When my wife wakes up in the morning she’s likely to find my blank on her blank.”

  I shifted in my seat. Was that supposed to be sexual? My pulse pounded. I looked to Lara for support. She scooted far away from Hayden. He leaned all the way back in his chair, obviously waiting for the hilarity that would ensue.

  JoAnne answered, “His drool on her pillow,” which didn’t match with her husband’s answer of, “his dirty laundry on her to do list.”

  I quickly thought about our past couple of days and realized there was one common thread. “I’m likely to find his hand on my hand.”

  The audience made an “Aww,” noise, as did Jorge. “Cute, but completely wrong. Clark said you would find his brother on your sister.”

  My mouth flopped open. Finn whispered, “Sorry, I couldn’t think of anything. But your answer was much better.”

  “You think?”

  That was why Hayden was waiting for my answer. I hoped Lara would forgive me for embarrassing her.

  “Nina, if you get this question correct, you’ll tie with Victoria and Clark. Can you feel the heat in here?” The host fanned his face. “Can you feel it?”

  I held my breath.

  Nina leaned into the microphone, confidently. “Steve’s clothes on my floor.”

  “Nina, that’s…incorrect! Steve said you would find his covers on your side of the bed.”

  Steve looked at her innocently. “You always steal the covers, babe.”

  “So this is a jab at me then, not your bad habits?”

  “And we have our first newlywed fight, folks! Maybe you should take a lesson from our winners, Victoria and Clark.”

  Nina sneered at me
. Maybe I wasn’t the least mature person on stage.

  Jorge crowned us winners with Hawaiian leis. Finn and I received solid gold plastic trophy replicas of the ship.

  As we stepped off stage, Finn laughed. “All that for a lame trophy.” He made an arc motion as if he was about to toss it in the nearby garbage, but he shoved it into his pocket instead.

  I twisted the one in my hands, staring into my own reflection warped by the shiny gold plastic. “Yeah, nothing special about this,” I said. But I imagined it on the mantel above our fireplace, shoved between all of Lara’s other awards. Finally I had something to display up there.

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  Ali said…

  Yawn. When do we get to the part that’s not about you?

  I STOOD AT THE stove as steam rose from the boiling water, making sweat bead across my forehead. I squinted at the box of pasta next to me, wondering how many servings four people—or would it only be three?—normally ate and decided to empty the entire box into the pot just in case. Spiral noodles drowned in the liquid. I dumped a jar of pre-made sauce in another pot and sniffed at the delicious tomato aroma.

  It was a far cry from the exotic delicacies on the cruise and an even further cry from the amazingly scrumptious baked goods Denise loved to whip up in her spare time, but I was only going for edible, not impressive.

  The front door opened and my stomach lurched. Lara? She hadn’t been home all night. Or the night before. Or the night before that. I rushed to the kitchen entryway only to catch a glimpse of Mom’s curly strands followed by Dad’s lack of hair. A sick feeling of dread washed through me. I sprung back into the kitchen and shoved the wooden spoon into the pasta sauce. Each vigorous stroke of the spoon dinged against the metal pot. If I zoomed in all my concentration on the simple task of stirring, I wouldn’t have a chance to consider backing out from my plan. It was only my parents. I was only going to ask them a simple question. When I thought of it that way, it didn’t sound so terrifying.

  The clack of Mom’s heels on the hardwood floor came to a halt when she entered the kitchen. “You’re. Cooking?” The question dripped with anger, an accusation hidden in her words. She said it like the act of cooking held an ultimatum. And it did.